Wednesday, January 30, 2013


After a few years at goal, I'm feeling good and am planning my wedding. I'm probably in the minority of brides-to-be in that I don't particularly want to lose weight before the wedding... notwithstanding that my mother and my future mother-in-law both commented that my hips look big in a photo from Christmas (which, incidentally, my fiance and I loved enough to have framed for them). WTF?! My thought is that, since they both separately commented on it, maybe my hips DO look bigger than they do in real life in that photo. Whatever. I seriously do not know why people say stuff like this --- especially since my mom surely must be aware that I had a very serious issue with my weight and body image and that I don't need to hear comments implying that I look fat (SINCE I AM NOT FAT), and my MIL is obese (and I would NEVER comment on her size or weight).

A similar incident happened when I went wedding dress shopping with my mom. My weight was up then, BY A MEASLEY THREE POUNDS, so I specifically told her: "Mom, I know that my weight is up a few pounds right now. I am on top of it. And, today, I am going to have to try on sample sized dresses that will be too small and may be unflattering. It is going to be hard for me to see myself like that, so PLEASE DON'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT MY WEIGHT."

So, what does she do?? We're in a store and she says something like "Wow -- I can see that your weight is up from where you were before. You should take care of that." I was like REALLY?!?! WTFFFFFFFFF?!?!!! And she said "Well, I just wonder, if someone would have told you when you were gaining the [big 230 lbs of] weight, if you would have stopped." Like somehow I didn't know I was getting fat as I put on 80 pounds. I was fat, not stupid or blind. I was like -- "I JUST FREAKING TOLD YOU that my weight is up THREE POUNDS [yes, it was only up THREE POUNDS and I get this sh*t] and I SPECIFICALLY ASKED YOU NOT TO SAY ANYTHING. I know about it and I'm on top of it, and I JUST TOLD YOU THIS!!!" I also said that "If four years ago, someone told you that I would look how I look today, you would have been on your knees thanking God!" So, of course, my mom starts crying and apologizes, which is somehow supposed to fix everything, including that she's totally f-ing crazy when it comes to weight and has been constantly on my a$ about my weight for my entire life.

You would think that me losing 80 pounds would be enough to get her to stop PICKING at me, wouldn't you? I mean, HOLY SH*T. Could she just be thankful that I look as good as I do, and am as healthy as I am?!? I work my A$ off at the gym, I watch what I eat, and I have never looked better in my life. Wouldn't you think that was enough? Because it sure the hell should be.

While things like that really p*ss me off, after coming through this whole process, I legitimately feel good just how I am. I like my body. It's not perfect, but it's as perfect as it's going to be and I'm OK with that. I NEVER thought I would get to feel like this -- happy with my weight -- but I've felt like this for so long now that it's become almost normal to me. Who knew that would happen? I definitely didn't expect it.

I also didn't think a time would come where an unflattering remark about my size or appearance would just p*ss me off at the person who said it, rather than make me feel unattractive and like a failure. POWER!!! (Er, and sorry for all the all caps.)