Thursday, December 2, 2010

P.S. A Cowboy On The Side

I don't know if it will make me feel better to put this out there or not, I confided in a friend yesterday thinking it would help and I only feel worse, but here goes.
My husband and I have been married for a little over 6 years, for the most part we get along, we have awesome sex, but that's not the point.  My husband is a home body, and we have nothing much in common (except for our love of hiking and taking vacations).  He doesn't like any of the same music I do so we don't go to concerts together, I can't get him to slow dance with me in public, and he doesn't like going out with me and my friends.  I've dealt with it and tried to overlook it.
This past weekend I went to my hometown without my husband, he had to work.  We were celebrating my mom's birthday, it was a surprise party.  I met some of my mom's friends for the first time, one of them I felt an instant connection to, we slow danced together and laughed together but I didn't really mean to do anything but have a good time.  I've always been flirtatious, but have never taken it too far.  Well, after a long night of drinking, one thing led to another and I found myself making out with this guy, I caught myself trying to stop it and even reminded him that I was married, but we kept at it, until 4:00am, it was that kind of night.
Now, four day later, it's still fresh on my mind, the sad part is I don't feel guilty, I keep thinking about when I can see this guy again. 
I love my husband, I really do, but there are things he won't do and I'm a social person, it's starting to get to me.  I jokingly asked my husband if I could have a cowboy on the side so that I could have someone else do the things I want to do that he won't.
I didn't have sex with this guy, though I would have had he had a condom, but I'm glad I didn't; however, just our little make out session has  me near tears all week, I want to call him so bad but I know he probably looks at me as a conquest, the married woman who let her guard down.  I know I need to forget about him, I just don't know how to make my husband into the man that I made out with this weekend, or at least feel the way I did that night.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

P.S. Cyber bullying is NOT Acceptable

I know there are many more important things in life to worry about but this has been bothering me for awhile so I wanted to get it off my chest.

There is a particular blogger that is in the WL forum that I think is a cyber bully.  According to the National Crime Prevention Council the definition of cyber bullying is "when the Internet, cell phones or other devices are used to send or post text or images intended to hurt or embarrass another person.

This particular blogger uses their blog to hurt and embarrass other bloggers within the WL forum. I have blogged for almost two years and this person IMHO has been the rudest, most abrasive, crass and condecending blogger I have ever encountered. Instead of utilizing their blog as a means of journaling, this person uses it as a platform to harrass and belittle other bloggers. It upsets me that this person seems to have no remorse or consideration of the impact they may have on other bloggers.  All weight loss bloggers have a common goal. To lose weight. What may work for one person may not work for another but saying that their way is the only way is ludicrous.

Meanwhile I can use my unfollow button.

P.S. PSA - Can We Please Step Up Our (Commenting) Game?

I've been around the blog community for quite sometime in different aspects. And I must say - the "bandworld" is quite clicky. I blog, you blog, we all blog for support - rather it be via successes, failures, motivation, personal. I thought the concept was to provide support to everyone, not just the certain few who have been around the longest or who has lost the most weight. We are all on this journey together and everyone should feel included. I've noticed alot of people use their blog to gain support from us because situations don't allow support in their real-life. Perhaps we are all they have? Is it really hard to comment on someone's post? Even if a few words, it could give that person a boost to overcome a hurdle. It could give that person a sense of accomplishment for a loss; we all love celebration!
I've seen this complaint several times, even to the extent of taking time away their blog because they felt no support in this journey, due to lack of comments. It's unsettling that a place so many of us go for support, the support is a lack there of.  This is real life, not a popularity contest. We are all on the same journey. Can we step up our game?

P.S. Good Luck

I ran across a blogger last night calling the stalled out lapbanders failures.
That pissed me off in a big way.
We've lost a BUNCH of weight.
We are maintaining. At the most we may gain a few lbs.
If we do gain we are able to lose the excess fairly easily.
But you know what?
There is a 98% chance that you will be a failure the second you go off of your crash diet.
You say you are hungry all the time and it's all good?
Golf Claps for you.
That's what you chose.
Not Me.
I chose a medical intervention.
As I would if I suffered from depression or diabetes.
It's a tool.
I know I have to do the right things to lose the weight.
Just because I'm not losing doesn't mean I'm a failure.
I'm maintaining.
Two years ago I would have been GAINING.
Maintaining ANY weight loss is not FAILURE.
Remember that.
Your time will come.
You'll reach your goal at some point.
This lap band isn't our first go around with diets.
Do you think we haven't already been where you are right now?
We were.
We lost it.
And we gained it back.
I know you don't need it b/c you are God's Gift to dieters everywhere...but still,
Good Luck.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

P.S. I Cried For My Ex-Husband

He's the father of my daughters.
We were married for 7 years. We've been divorced for 8.
Last Friday he told me he's having surgery so we were making arrangements as to visitation times.
I dug a little deeper and he admitted that he has a growth the size of a golf ball on his colon.
He's having part of the colon removed.
He had a biopsy 2 weeks ago but he didn't have the results yet.
They are removing it regardless because of it's size.
I didn't know I'd have such a strong reaction to news like this from him.
It took my breath away.
He was mentally and physically abusive towards me.
I wished him dead on more than one occasion.
Now I know that he is the father of my daughters. They need him.
I need him to be there for them.
Obviously the girls know nothing of this and I have to act like everything is OK.
I don't know how he is coping.
He lives for the girls.
Last night I had a nightmare about him dying and I've been anxious all day.
I can't talk to husband said " GOOD " when I told him.
My sister said..."TOO BAD"
It's ripping my heart out.
My daughters have no idea how quickly their whole world can change.
I still rely on my dad. I'm middle aged.
To lose your dad as a pre-teen?
I can't imagine.

Thanks for letting me get this off of my chest.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

P.S. I Miscarried

My excitement/nervousness about being pregnant is now sadness and grief.   I know in my head that there are reasons why it happened.  But reconciling that with my heart isn’t easy.  And I also know that all will be okay in the end.  Right now, all I want is to drown myself in comfort food and drink.  I wish that through all of this I wouldn’t revert to the old habits.  I’ll drown myself in my family’s arms instead.  Hopefully soon, I’ll be back in blogland.  Thank you for allowing me to share with you – such an amazing group...  This is a blessing as my family and closest friends don’t know (and maybe won’t)...  So I may reference the “PS” just a tad but I won’t be blogging about it.

Friday, November 5, 2010

P.S. I don’t want this anymore

We have been together for 4+ years now. When we first got together, you said you could never be what I wanted you to be and I should have listened. It was nice to have the companionship and the occasional intimacy but that was far and few between. You say you love me and I believe you do but it isn’t enough anymore.

  • I want someone who is an emotional equal.
  • I want someone is closer to me in age.
  • I want someone who finds me attractive and at least makes an effort to have sexual relations more then just once a month. I am a vibrant sexual being.
  • I want someone who can help with the bills (someone who has a job at least PT)
  • I want someone who does not berate me and call me stupid
  • I want someone who is not a drinker
  • I want someone who can manage their finances
  • I want someone who can take charge when I can’t
  • I want someone who can control their emotions better.

I don’t think any of my wants are extreme. My dilemma is how to figure out how to get out of the current relationship. We live together and he really has no where else to go but that should not be my problem. I have moved out of places where I wasn’t wanted.  I wish I knew what to do but all I know is that I don’t want this anymore.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

P.S. Because Of You....

Because of you Mom I felt bad about myself my entire childhood.  Did you really think telling a little girl that she was fat and no boy would ever like her if she didn't lose weight?  Because of you Mom I know how NOT to handle my money.  Because of you Mom I never feel like I can share the good things in my life with you because you always find fault with them.  Because of you Mom I know the kind of mother I want to be with my children one day.  Because of you Mom I have learned how to put my family and friends friends first.  Because of you Mom I laugh until my side hurts when we get together.  Because of you Mom I am a stronger person.

Because of you Dad I constantly feel like I am 14 years old.  Because of you Dad I feel like I am stupid sometimes.  Because of you Dad I know the kind of man that I really should be with and not just settle.  Because of you Dad I feel special to someone.  Because of you Dad I know that I am loved.

Because of you J I have built up walls around myself.  Because of you J I don't trust men right now in my life.  Because of you J I feel like I did something wrong to mess up what we had.  Because of you J I know that it was not my fault and that you are an asshole who will never change.  Because of you J I have found my backbone and am not going to take shit from anyone anymore.  Because of you J I have my life back.

Because of you M & J I know that "true friends" don't mean the same to everyone.  Because of you M & J I have put more effort into these friendships than both of you put together.  Because of you M & J I now know that it is ok to let you go and move on without you.  Because of you M & J I know that friendships can change and that's ok. 

Because of me I am moving forward with MY life.  Because of me I took control of my weight with my band.  Because of me I am getting my happy back.  

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

P.S. I Thought I Deserved It

When I was 16 and then again in my early 20s there were two occasions that I thought I got what I deserved and it wasn’t until much later that I learned I was raped. According to Webster’s Dictionary Rape is the act of forcing a person to engage in sexual activity and especially intercourse.

When I was 16 I was waiting for a bus and a man drove up to me in his car and asked me where I was going. I was alone and it was dusk so I told him I was going to see my boyfriend. He asked me if I wanted a ride and I took him up on it. He seemed nice and I thought I was safe. Well I wasn’t. He pulled over to an abandoned lot and proceeded to start yelling at me and calling me profane names and he made me perform oral copulation on him. After that he drove me to an unopened store parking lot and pushed me out of the car.

When I was 21, I was drinking with a friend and we met some guys who asked us back to their house. I ended up hanging out there for awhile but then it was getting late so I decided to leave. One of the men followed me out to my car and got in on the passenger side. I told him I was leaving and he said “No, you are going to perform oral copulation on me and then you can go” I begged and pleaded with him and he would not budge. He was a rather tall man and I had no chance of escaping him so I performed the heinous act and then he got out of my car so I could leave.

It wasn’t until I was in my 30s and talking to a friend and he pointed out that it was rape. All this time, I thought that I deserved it and it was my fault because I put myself in compromising situations and that I deserved it.

No one deserves to be forced to do something like that but somehow I thought I was.  I can honestly say I have now come to terms with it and I know now I didn’t but it took me a longggggg time to figure it out.

Thanks for reading!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

P.S. I Wish My Stepson Would Turn 18 and Move Out NOW

My stepson has been doing poorly in school for the past several years and I am stressed out that he’s not going to be able to get into college or he’s going to become a 5th year Senior. I have plans to move out of the country in the next few years and I feel that he’s holding me back. If he delays his schooling then it delays my plans. All I want is for him to keep his nose clean and graduate school on time with decent grades and get the heck out of my house. I think our relationship will improve when he is out of the house.

He has been such a big disappointment to me and my husband in the past few years. Low grades. Failing a class. Sitting in front of the computer from morning ‘til night. We took away the computer access and the grades are still the same. I believe he is working on failing more classes as I type this. We’ve given up. There is nothing we can dangle in front of him to motivate him to do decently in school (we have given up the hope for doing well in school. Now we pray for non-failing.) Money means nothing to him. We’ve grounded him. Taken away just about everything he has. Threats don’t work. Talking to him rationally has resulted in nothing. I’ve even spent time with him every day after school going over what work he has and helping him with his homework. That works for as long as I do that and I really shouldn’t need to do this for a nearly 16 year old. No, he’s not remedial. No, he doesn’t have any learning disabilities. He’s just a  brick wall when it comes to school and it’s sad and stressful. I’ve seen my husband yell, cry, lose sleep over this kid and nothing changes.

I feel bad for saying this, but I wish I never had a stepson. I have known him for over 10 years since my husband and I met and have never warmed up to him. Everyone thinks that I love him (and in some ways I’m sure that I do,) but I know I don’t truly truly love him as I do my daughter. She is my life and I love spending all day with her and miss her at night. I can barely stand the few minutes that he speaks to me sometimes. I find when he’s around, I’m not relaxed and my walls are up. I feel if I let my wall down for a minute, he will hurt me again. Either with failing grades or with an (unintentional) insensitive comment. He doesn’t know he’s being insensitive, but he is. He’s a selfish teenager who believes 100% that the world revolves around him and it’s exhausting to be around him.

I love my husband so so  much. I never ever want him to ever read these words or even know that I’ve ever thought them. I am so thankful for this site. Thank you. 

Friday, October 29, 2010

P.S. My friend is having lapband surgery today...

My friend is having lapband surgery today.  I am really happy for her.  Really.  We were supposed to go through this together, but she couldn't get hers scheduled until a few months after mine.  I don't know if I would have had the guts to go through with mine if it hadn't been for her. 
Now for the confession.  I'm worried she is going to be more successful than me.  Ugh!  Sounds terrible doesn't it.  I feel like such a schmuck.   We've joined Weight Watchers together in the past and she always lost more than me.  Even when I exercised and she didn't, she'd still lose more than me.  Intellectually I know that it's not my fault - or hers.  People have different metabolisms and it is what it is, but I've kind of enjoyed being on this journey without comparing myself.  Yea, sure, I do compare myself to all of you and most of you are kicking my butt, but it's just not the same as someone I see frequently. 
Okay, now that's off my chest.  I feel a little better. 

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

P.S. I Need A Do Over

I feel like every decision I’ve ever made is wrong.  I wish I could go back in time and start over.  Even today, with a husband and children most people would love to have… some days I wish I could just escape.  Leave work and just keep driving ‘til I hit the coast.  Become a waitress and get a little studio apartment near the beach and just BE.  I love my husband.  However, his parents are lunatics.  Full blown psychos.  People think I exaggerate when I talk about them but I’m not exaggerating.  They aren’t your typical annoying in-laws.  They have screwed up my husband so badly that I’m not sure he can ever be “fixed.”  He needs serious therapy but won’t go.  He’s depressed and has been for so long.  He suffers from a weight problem and the physical issues are starting to pile up.  I’m not sure that I’m IN love with him anymore.  It’s emotionally and physically exhausting trying to deal with someone who has depression and is taking no steps whatsoever to feel better.  I can’t make him feel better.  It’s something he has to do.  I have two children who I love more than life itself.  But there are days where I just don’t want to be a mom anymore.  I want to be single and free and out with friends dancing.  I married relatively young (not like teen bride or anything but clubbing age) and I feel like maybe it was just too soon.  I miss the man I was married to before we had the kids.  Since I had my youngest, I have no sex drive whatsoever.  I don’t want it…ever.  I partake in the festivities so that my man doesn’t feel too neglected but it isn’t nearly like it used to be and I know he feels neglected anyway.  I feel I’ve wasted my potential and my education.  I feel I could’ve done so much more with my life.  I feel it’s too late to do anything.  I’m married…with children…I drive a minivan and have a full time career.  THAT I HATE.  I initially looked at it as a job but the people I work with…they have degrees and years of experience with our company to get to this same position.  I feel guilty because while it’s a “career” to them; it’s just a job to me.  I feel like there should have been more out there for me.  That somehow along the way, I took the wrong path and got all lost and disoriented.  How does one find their way back from an abyss?  Then I think maybe it’s not my hubby…maybe it’s me.  I did this to him.  I convinced him to go to law school, I convinced him we were ready for our first baby…maybe I trapped him in this life and he just realized it was a trap before I did?  I just feel like I can’t be truly happy with anything anymore.  I have happy moments…but they’re superficial.  I smile and put on that happy face and say all the right things that I should say.  But deep down, I don’t think I mean most of it anymore.  And then the guilt starts.  I feel guilty that I have these feelings and these thoughts.  I SHOULD be happy.  I SHOULD feel blessed for all the good things in my life.  I SHOULD appreciate what I have.  Yet, I think of everything I could have been and weep for the person that never was and the life that was never lived.

Thank you for this.

P.S. I'm tired of my ex freaking me out

I'm tired of my ex freaking me out.

We've been divorced for years.  I'm remarried.  And every time he calls or emails me, I get all the signs of PTSD -- the shaking, the nausea, the flashbacks... I hate it.  Shoot, he doesn't even have to contact me personally.  Just one of his creditors calling gets it all going again.

His AmEx creditors called again tonight and tried to tell me I was tied to the debt.  I'm not.  Never have been.  He put me on the card as an authorized user without my permission.  I never activated the card.  I never used the card.  I still don't know why he felt it was so important that I be on the card.  In my darker moments I think it's because he couldn't stand for me to be debt free.  I have no credit cards of my own -- cash basis only here.

In moments of extreme clarity, I realize the thoughts I have about him in my darker moments are likely correct.

He's paid a whopping one month of child support.  And in this economy I've had to remove our kids from just about every extra-curricular they had.  He's only ordered to pay $400 a month for two children, and he refuses to pay even that.  I haven't pursued enforcement because he won't work, and claims the judgment AmEx has against him keeps him from being able to get a paycheck.

That plus I'm still scared of him.  And if I leave him alone, I keep hoping he'll just fade away.  Just go away, leave me alone.  Leave us alone.  He didn't care about us when we were married.  All he cared was that his comfort wasn't disturbed.

"Shhhh... Daddy's sleeping."

"Quiet, Daddy just got home from work."

"Let's go to your room -- Daddy's in a bad mood."

"No, he's not abusive, he's just tired/ stressed/ drunk..."

I finally woke up.  Finally got my kids out.  If it weren't for them I'd still be there.  Made, bed, lie... you know the drill.  But the kids didn't ask for this.  They didn't ask to be fathered by an abusive alcoholic.  They didn't ask to be brought into a marriage that should never have happened.

But they were, and for ten years I tried to make it right.

And I can't ever erase it.  Not even if it takes the rest of my life.

P.S. Monster-In-Law is REAL!!

I met the man of my dreams at work (not to original I know). He brought me home to "meet the family" weird that he lived with his grandmother and brother, but I quickly got over the small details. Then, I met his mother. She was SUPER nice. She was super classy. She is SUPER bratty! I know that everyone has "issues" with the mother in law and what not, but really this woman is crazy. For starters, the day she met me, she fifty questioned me about my "goals" in life. Here is this woman asking me about my life, when her own son wasn't in college. Wow. I again, got over the smaller details (or what I thought was a smaller detail). My, then boy toy at the time, asked me if I thought we should maybe think about moving in together. What was the worst thing that could happen? We break up and move out? Happens everyday. So I figured why not? We moved in together, and lived together for just over a year, when, he came home from work, went into the kitchen, (I was sitting in the living are and couldn't see him) got down on one knee and scooted his way to my side, with a beautiful ring and asked that one question that just makes you grin from ear to ear. I of course tackled him, smothered him with kisses and screamed YES! We called everyone. I got nothing but, "congrats" and "how exciting" from all of my family and friends. We then called his mom. Her exact reaction... "Are you serious?" (this is coming from a woman who got married 3 weeks after knowing the man, divorced, married someone else, and now has a partner, (get it?)) He was even stunned with her question. Yet again, I got over the "small" details. While planning the wedding and discussing costs, we agreed that my parents (being I come from a HUGE family) shouldn't deal with the entire bill, so we asked his mom and dad (who she is divorced from) if they would be willing to pitch in and help. His father and step mom, were so excited, talked with my parents regularly. His mother, said "Of course baby" "I would love too" (that's another thing that bothers me, who calls there 28yr old son baby?!?!) The time before our wedding started to become shorter and shorter and his mother who agreed to pay for the open bar, decided TWO WEEKS before the "big day" that she didn't agree with drinking, so she refuses to pay for it!! Okay, again I sweep it under the rug, put the keg, wine, and so on, onto my credit card, and decided once the alcohol was gone the bar was closed. The day of our wedding was beautiful. Everyone was all smiles. As my dad walks me down the isle I am just feeling like a total hottie (my boobs looked HUGE) I glance over and my mother in law, No she wasn't wearing white, instead, she wore BLACK! Black from head to toe! The tips on her manicure were even black!! I again swept this under the rug (I am not a good sweeper as you can tell since this crap still bugs me!) Today, in 2010, she has the nerve to come to my house, (yes mine, my husband has horrible credit and I purchased it on my own) and tell me how I "need" to change this that and those. How "wouldn't you like nice things?" REALLY?! My stuff isn't nice enough for you?? Then why come over? She then invites us over for dinner, and asks my husband (right in front of me mind you) "So isn't nice to have a real home cooked meal?" WHAT?!?! I cook every single night! I do the dishes. I sweep. I mop. I vacuum. I dust. All I ever ask her charming prince to do is take out the cat box and trash!!She is constantly comparing myself to her, like if I say I have a headache, she has a worse one, if I say I tired from whatever, she is so tired from so much more! I purchased a new car. 2010, I was proud to upgrade from my very first car, not even making this up, she trades in her 2009 for a 2010 car. Same dealer, same make, just different model. I am floored. I really love this blog! I love being able to VENT and beeeeeeeeeeep about her! She honestly drives me nuts!! I have tried to talk with my husband about this, but he like many guys, is a total mama's boy, and doesn't see what I am talking about, or why I get offended by her coming to our house and wanting to decorate. Really?? Ugh.....

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

P.S. I Am Not Fine, I Hate My Life

I know that sounds harsh but right now it's how I feel. 

I HATE the person I have become.  I hate that I let it happen and don't have the willpower to change it.  I hate that I am cynical and not trusting and have built up this wall around myself.  I hate my ex husband for all the shit he has done to me.  He is a horrible person. I hate that I look down at my ring finger everyday and see the impression of my wedding rings I will never wear again.  I hate that I smile everyday and pretend that everything in my life is ok and I am fine but I AM NOT FINE.  I cry every night when I get into bed and pray that it will get better.  I feel like I don't know who I am anymore because I am too busy trying to please everyone in my life.  I hate that I feel like I am not a good daughter.  I am ashamed of not going to college right out of high school and I feel like a failure and that I am stupid.  I am mad at my mom for taking out all of her problems on me and making me feel like shit.  Is is so hard for you to ask me how I am feeling about my divorce mom?  Can you not just ask me that one freaking time when you call instead of telling me about your problems and how I somehow contributed to them?  I hate that I have NO ONE to talk to who will just sit there with their mouth shut and let me talk without giving me their opinion on how I could do it better or what to do instead of just listening and giving me a hug like I want.  I hate that I feel depressed all the time. 

P.S. If It's Not One Thing, It's YOUR MOTHER

My mother gets on my nerves, and under my skin... in fact, I go out of my way to avoid her.
Now that I am a grown adult with children of my own, I realize that she did/does not posses the qualities of motherhood that I wish she had.
In fact, I spent most of my childhood feeling like Cinderella.. always given crappy chores, and not allowed to just be a child.
I remember my mother having daily coffee clutches at our house (which was full of cigarette smoke and cackling housewifes all dressed up).
But when you are young, what do you know.. you only know what you are exposed to.
I am not going to make excuses, but she was married very young (19) and her mother (my grandmother) was married even younger (one of those gunshot weddings).  So nurturing was not abundant.  Neither one graduated high school.
The big difference between my mother and grandmother (who was in an abusive marriage) was that my mother married a wonderful man who was incredibly successful in his business and has provided a very good quality of life. We lived in a good neighborhood and I went to an excellent school system, and because of my peer group I went right to college (something my mother discouraged.. by advising me to just marry a successful man).. (ugh).  I was the only one of four to go on for a higher education.
So whats the beef you say.. well, NO MATTER what I did or do, no matter what my children (her grandchildren) achieve it is a CONSTANT comparison to my two youngest brothers who are failures.
They both have been arrested, served jail time, drug users, alcoholics, divorced several times over, one is a crack addict, and homeless.
One of the two robbed them blind while they were on vacation, they were in denial, but finally realized what was going on.
They have spent $10s of THOUSANDS of dollars on lawyers, rehab, paying their rent, food, child support, fines, car insurance.. on and on.
My husband and I have NEVER asked them for a cent nor would we ever even have the balls to do so if we were in that situation.
BUT every time I engage in a convesation with her.. it is constantly a discussion and update on how they are doing in rehab, or job search or whatever.,
My one derelict brother could only get a job working at a horse farm, cleaning stalls (read that shoveling horse shit).. well he got promoted to being allowed to do the daily horse grooming.. you would have thought he got promoted to president.. My mother was non stop about the praise.. reallly? really?  He is 30+ years old and this is his career highlight..
She NEVER  inquires about  how my kids are or what are they doing or how we are.
And anytime I mention something of interst she immediately compares or down plays..
We took them on vacation this year and you would have thought we were subjecting them to a punishment.
They didn't want to do a damn thing and complained about everything.. well never again.
I have felt guilt via my mothers comments for years.. I remember one time when I was a teenager and going through those awkward years that she said to me "well if you can't have anything attractive about yourself, at least take care of your teeth"
Or ..after a date, I once came in after midnight and she was waiting at the door and screamed at me.. "you tramp.. are you sleeping around".
Talk about hurtful comments...
She hated my husband when she met him and said he wasn't good enough for me and I could do better.
When it came time for my wedding she asked me to wait till it was convienent for their schedule (we should have elopped).
I always felt I needed to gain her approval or to please her.. but in fact.. I find her to be toxic. It stresses the F#ck out of me.
I have never said anything about these feelings to her, nor will I at this point.
But I do avoid her.. and just let her words filter through my brain..
As my parents advance in age.. I can just see that my father will probably pass first, and then my mother.. I know my brothers will be hanging around like vultures for their estate, and that makes me sick.. no one will want to care for my mother, except me.. ow
How selfish am I in my thinking... it's a vicious circle.. I resent her company, yet I feel so obligated to be there for her.
Sometimes I think about just packing up and moving to another part of the country.. so that our visits are even less frequent.
Its terrible thinking.. but its the way I feel..

P.S. I'm Living a Double Life

I've been married a very long time by today's standards, over 20 years. For the last 10 of them I have been involved, in lust and very much in love with another man.

I can't imagine my life without him in it, he fills an emotional (and physical) void that has never been touched by anyone else. With him I am wild, exposed, NOTHING is held back. He has known me at my heaviest weight and its never been an issue until now. My "guess" is he has become threatened by my loss. Now, after all these years of stealing time for each other and knowing right where we stood I have been given an ultimatum by him. Its now or never.

I can't help but wonder if I hadn't had my WLS would we even be having this conversation?

Believe me, I'm not looking anywhere else. Period.  This is a horrible way to live. The guilt. The lying. The close calls. Did I mention the guilt?

A little background:

The first 10 years of my marriage I was abused. This is what I knew. This is what I grew up with. It is what I believed to be normal. But one day I was watching a talk show and a guest was on that could have been me. I realized that day that I was a victim. I vowed that day to never be in that position again. I finished my education I had given up while raising kids. I learned all I could about our financial state, what I was entitled to, and I started planning my escape.

This is when I met the other man. A big part of me wanted him to swoop in and just rescue me. Take me off into the sunset. Happily ever after. I was informed enough to know that I had to first save myself.

Just when I had all my ducks in a row tragic events took place that I can't really go into without exposing myself and I became a caretaker to a weakened, remorseful man. Wouldn't you know it. Funny how quickly a person can change when they need you. So I stayed because us victims can't pass up being needed.

Back to the task at hand. I am at the ledge. I am torn. I wish I had a crystal ball. I always thought if I was asked by him to go I wouldn't hesitate for a second. But now I can't help but second guess if my weight loss prompted this?

What to do?

P.S. I Feel Invisible

I wish that my husband would notice me.  I feel all sexy now, but has he noticed... NO!  I have tried to get him to notice me, but still feel invisible.  I can count on my hand the number of times that we have been intimate in the past 3 years.  How I got pregnant during that time is still a mystery.  I want to be made to feel special.  I want to be wanted.  Is that so much to ask after what I have gone through to get to where I am today.  Want me... notice that I exist... please!  I know I look good.  Make me feel as good as I look.

P.S. I Cheated

I cheated on my boyfriend. I know why. Its cause I am fat and love the attention. I love knowing that even for that moment that I am wanted.

P.S. I Hate My Life

I hate my life.  I feel trapped, shackled, handcuffed to choices I have made.  I put myself in this exact spot, for some reason that remains to be seen.  I wish I could vanish.  Who would miss me?  Would anyone know I was gone.  Not dead, just not here.  I want to live but not in the manner which I have been.  I stopped living my life many years ago, I need to jumpstart it.  Where are those jumper cables? 
I cannot breathe, I am drowning, my mental health is very fragile, I am hanging on by a gossamer thread...

Monday, October 25, 2010

P.S. I'm Pregnant

Holy cow.  I’m pregnant.  I’m happy.  I’m sad.  I’m thrilled.  I’m scared.  I’m thinking WHAT THE F$&K did I just do???  It’s okay and yes, it will be GREAT, but my immediate reaction wasn’t being thrilled.  It was “shit – I’m going to gain weight and get fat again”... WTF?!?!?  Granted, I am SO MUCH healthier than I was before I lost weight, but wow.   So many questions.  So many feelings.  Including feeling like crap.  Morning (Afternoon?  Evening?) sickness.  Achy.  Tired.  Overwhelmed.  REALLY?  What did we do???  Oh my gosh.

Thank god for this new option for posting because I WANT TO TELL SOMEONE!  But, you’ll have to wait a while... I’m only a month out so no news from me officially for a while.  Wow.  I’m pregnant.

P.S. I Feel Trapped

If I didn't have my 2 youngest, I'd be outta here, YESTERDAY.
If I had a job, and wouldn't have to worry about finances, even having the 2 youngest wouldn't stop me.
I feel fat (I'm gaining my weight back), i feel sick (I'm having migraines, panic attacks, NO energy whatsoever, i don't want to get out of bed. EVER), I hate my life right now.
He is mean, he is selfish, he is a fucking ass.
He's suppose to be my husband, my best friend, a father and an adult.
He acts 2, he runs away and won't talk, he doesn't listen, he won't try, he can't see things any different.

It's affecting me, I'm ALLOWING it, and I feel trapped. 

P.S. Confessions of a Wife

I am frustrated that my husband is not working. He lost his job eighteen months ago, hasn't really looked for another one, and then developed a back problem that has allowed him to abuse prescription pain killers. Sometimes I think the back pain is an excuse for the pain pills. I am very unsympathetic.  I hide my anger pretty well. I do love him, but I don't trust him. I know he is snorting pain pills (crushed), and hiding from life.

We haven't had sex in the past 6 months or so.

Sometimes I get so mad, I want to leave. I have been having sex dreams of men, women, and always with me- at my strongest, slimmest, most bad ass future self. 

P.S. I'm a Sissy, If You Really Want the Truth

I am not good at secrets.  Lord, for those of you who have been reading my blog for almost 2 years will know....I share everything.  And it won't be very hard for you to figure out who I am...regardless....
And after today's post, I got a friendly reminder email that this blog existed.  And so I decided to put it to good use. 
If you really want to know the truth about what is bothering me...basically I can sum it up for you.  I am weak.  That's right.  WEAK.  I know you are thinking "nu-uh"...but yes sugarplums...I am.
First, I should start with the fact that my job is pretty flexible, I work in a building with 3 people...none of which are my supervisors...and I can pretty much do nothing all day if I choose (and still manage to go above and beyond).
But I would like to second that above statement with the fact that I HATE MY JOB.  HATE IT.    I used to work for an evil witch (who, I have on good authority, now stalks my blog)...but she resigned after getting in trouble for basically being a BIATCH.  She managed the training department I worked in.  When I was recruited for this job almost 3 years ago, I was recruited to take her position when she retired.
Well.  She left, and my director (who I am actually older than), decided to not fill her position and instead created a new position in his other department for one of his buddies.  I WAS PISSSED!  The organization I work for is pretty clinical and behavioral health based, and if you work in the corporate development section like I do, there is little room for advancement. 
So.  I had to do something.  And with Shrinking Mommy in my head, I went to him and told him that although I did not want to leave the organization, I couldn't be 31 and making what I am making (it's sad people.  Real sad).  That I need to feel like I am moving forward.  That I find it ironic that I create, develop, and teach leaders and vice presidents of our organization at leadership conferences, yet I am not even a manager.
What I wanted from that conversation was an indication that he would do what it takes to keep me.  That he would go back to our VP and give me a raise and up my title.  Because now, instead of just doing the job I was hired for, I am doing everything my manager did...with no pay increase....with no title change.
And I do these things because I don't rock the boat.  Because I am a people pleaser and dependable.
Well eat my ass boss man.  NO MORE.
I am tired of being underpaid.  I am tired of living paycheck to paycheck.  If it wasn't for the extreme generosity of some very wonderful women, I couldn't have gone to Chicago.  I have $2 in my bank account until payday. 
And sadly, this is my own doing.  I have long underestimated my worth in the professional market.  I have this internal voice that says, "Other people are smarter than you.  Other people are better than you."  But do you know what I have found out?  Not so much my friends.  There are idiots out there running things...and do you know why?
Well, some of them come from good families that get them by on just their names...
I don't push myself.  I don't sell myself. 
This is one of the great conversations I had with Deborah in Chicago.  She said "*insert my name here*, we are all selling ourselves everyday.  You sell yourself on your blog..." And she was right.  So I need to start believing that I am good enough.
So I have been applying for jobs.  And who likes applying for jobs?  NOT ME?  I hate resumes and cover letters.  But I am doing it.  Because something has to change.
I don't blog about work on my blog because a simple search of my name would reveal my blog to any prospective employers, or my current one...and I am smarter than the average bear mmmmkkkay?
The other thing that weighs on me everyday, even though I try to pretend it doesn't because I want to be a my living situation.
It occurred to me today, that for the first time in my adult life, I live in a place that is not mine.  I have never owned a house, but I have rented or lived in places that I could "make my own".  And while I could do that in my current place...I can't really.  I want to, but I don't.  If you DO read my blog, you'd know that my soulmater and I live with her ex, whom she owns the house with.  It is temporary.  But it's terrible.  And there are options, but right now (please see the finance portion of this post above), this is one of the better options.
But I am a nester.  I like to decorate.  I like to organize.  I like to move furniture and hang wall art.  I like to plant flowers (although I will kill them).  I like to pretend to be Martha Stewart.  I can't bring myself to do that in our house...because it's not our house.  It's where I store my stuff.  It's where I get the chance to be with the person I love.  But it is not my sanctuary.  It's not my safe place.  I have no home.
And when I type that, it makes me feel so materialistic.  It makes me feel shallow and silly.  It makes me feel ungrateful that even though I have a roof over my head and get to crawl into bed with the person of my dreams every night...I am not satisfied.  But the truth of it is...a home is important to me.  And how frustrating to find this person you were waiting for...and then not be able to start your life the way you want.
It makes me overwhelmingly sad.  I can't sleep at night because I can't shut my brain off.  I can't figure out how to find peace with the situation I am in right now.  And I should be able to.  Things could be worse. 

So there you have it. 
The truth.
Loves you pumpkin heads!  Is it Tuesday yet?

P.S. Financial Crisis

Well... the repo man just left my work. 
He let me keep the vehicle until tomorrow. 
I have to figure it out by 5:00 pm tomorrow. 
Will a hot check work?
The payments are only $276.00
I just hit 61 days past due today. 
The payment was due yesterday. 

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


Welcome to PostScript Confessions!

Recently, the topic of anonymity in blogging has been making the rounds in my blog circle.
I have been facing this issue over at my own weight loss blog. While it's wonderful to post before, during and after photos, I've lost my anonymity by doing so.

It's similar to how how you felt and reacted when your mom and then your boss 'friended' you on "The Facebook". It was inevitable, you started filtering. You stopped being 100% yourself in your posts. You are the person they expect you to be. Well, what's the fun in that? We are flawed. We have issues. We need to share with others. It's amazing to me how all of my blog friends seem to cycle through some of the same issues at the same time. While we may feel alone in a particular issue, once someone is brave enough to share what they are going through, many times, they find an outpouring of love, support and compassion from people feeling the exact same way. It just takes one person. Being. Real. Saying the thing no one else will say.

No More Mrs. Nice Guy. Time to GET. REAL.

When you are ready to get real, and tell us what you REALLY think....

You may use your e-mail or you may wish to create a new anonymous e-mail at gmail, yahoo or hotmail.
Either way - I will never share your e-mail information or identity.

What are you waiting for? Start writing....send it in and receive the support you've come to rely on from your fellow bloggers.
Without fear of your Mom/Child/Boss/Husband/Wife/S.O./BestFriend/Neighbor/Auntie/Uncle/Teacher/Potential Employers reading!