P.S. I don’t want this anymore

We have been together for 4+ years now. When we first got together, you said you could never be what I wanted you to be and I should have listened. It was nice to have the companionship and the occasional intimacy but that was far and few between. You say you love me and I believe you do but it isn’t enough anymore.

• I want someone who is an emotional equal.
• I want someone is closer to me in age.
• I want someone who finds me attractive and at least makes an effort to have sexual relations more then just once a month. I am a vibrant sexual being.
• I want someone who can help with the bills (someone who has a job at least PT)
• I want someone who does not berate me and call me stupid
• I want someone who is not a drinker
• I want someone who can manage their finances
• I want someone who can take charge when I can’t
• I want someone who can control their emotions better.

I don’t think any of my wants are extreme. My dilemma is how to figure out how to get out of the current relationship. We live together and he really has no where else to go but that should not be my problem. I have moved out of places where I wasn’t wanted.  I wish I knew what to do but all I know is that I don’t want this anymore.

P.S. Because Of You....

Because of you Mom I felt bad about myself my entire childhood.  Did you really think telling a little girl that she was fat and no boy would ever like her if she didn't lose weight?  Because of you Mom I know how NOT to handle my money.  Because of you Mom I never feel like I can share the good things in my life with you because you always find fault with them.  Because of you Mom I know the kind of mother I want to be with my children one day.  Because of you Mom I have learned how to put my family and friends friends first.  Because of you Mom I laugh until my side hurts when we get together.  Because of you Mom I am a stronger person.

Because of you Dad I constantly feel like I am 14 years old.  Because of you Dad I feel like I am stupid sometimes.  Because of you Dad I know the kind of man that I really should be with and not just settle.  Because of you Dad I feel special to someone.  Because of you Dad I know that I am loved.

Because of you J I have built up walls around myself.  Because of you J I don't trust men right now in my life.  Because of you J I feel like I did something wrong to mess up what we had.  Because of you J I know that it was not my fault and that you are an asshole who will never change.  Because of you J I have found my backbone and am not going to take shit from anyone anymore.  Because of you J I have my life back.

Because of you M & J I know that "true friends" don't mean the same to everyone.  Because of you M & J I have put more effort into these friendships than both of you put together.  Because of you M & J I now know that it is ok to let you go and move on without you.  Because of you M & J I know that friendships can change and that's ok. 

Because of me I am moving forward with MY life.  Because of me I took control of my weight with my band.  Because of me I am getting my happy back.  

P.S. I Thought I Deserved It

When I was 16 and then again in my early 20s there were two occasions that I thought I got what I deserved and it wasn’t until much later that I learned I was raped. According to Webster’s Dictionary Rape is the act of forcing a person to engage in sexual activity and especially intercourse.

When I was 16 I was waiting for a bus and a man drove up to me in his car and asked me where I was going. I was alone and it was dusk so I told him I was going to see my boyfriend. He asked me if I wanted a ride and I took him up on it. He seemed nice and I thought I was safe. Well I wasn’t. He pulled over to an abandoned lot and proceeded to start yelling at me and calling me profane names and he made me perform oral copulation on him. After that he drove me to an unopened store parking lot and pushed me out of the car.

When I was 21, I was drinking with a friend and we met some guys who asked us back to their house. I ended up hanging out there for awhile but then it was getting late so I decided to leave. One of the men followed me out to my car and got in on the passenger side. I told him I was leaving and he said “No, you are going to perform oral copulation on me and then you can go” I begged and pleaded with him and he would not budge. He was a rather tall man and I had no chance of escaping him so I performed the heinous act and then he got out of my car so I could leave.

It wasn’t until I was in my 30s and talking to a friend and he pointed out that it was rape. All this time, I thought that I deserved it and it was my fault because I put myself in compromising situations and that I deserved it.

No one deserves to be forced to do something like that but somehow I thought I was.  I can honestly say I have now come to terms with it and I know now I didn’t but it took me a longggggg time to figure it out.

Thanks for reading!

P.S. I Wish My Stepson Would Turn 18 and Move Out NOW

My stepson has been doing poorly in school for the past several years and I am stressed out that he’s not going to be able to get into college or he’s going to become a 5th year Senior. I have plans to move out of the country in the next few years and I feel that he’s holding me back. If he delays his schooling then it delays my plans. All I want is for him to keep his nose clean and graduate school on time with decent grades and get the heck out of my house. I think our relationship will improve when he is out of the house.

He has been such a big disappointment to me and my husband in the past few years. Low grades. Failing a class. Sitting in front of the computer from morning ‘til night. We took away the computer access and the grades are still the same. I believe he is working on failing more classes as I type this. We’ve given up. There is nothing we can dangle in front of him to motivate him to do decently in school (we have given up the hope for doing well in school. Now we pray for non-failing.) Money means nothing to him. We’ve grounded him. Taken away just about everything he has. Threats don’t work. Talking to him rationally has resulted in nothing. I’ve even spent time with him every day after school going over what work he has and helping him with his homework. That works for as long as I do that and I really shouldn’t need to do this for a nearly 16 year old. No, he’s not remedial. No, he doesn’t have any learning disabilities. He’s just a  brick wall when it comes to school and it’s sad and stressful. I’ve seen my husband yell, cry, lose sleep over this kid and nothing changes.

I feel bad for saying this, but I wish I never had a stepson. I have known him for over 10 years since my husband and I met and have never warmed up to him. Everyone thinks that I love him (and in some ways I’m sure that I do,) but I know I don’t truly truly love him as I do my daughter. She is my life and I love spending all day with her and miss her at night. I can barely stand the few minutes that he speaks to me sometimes. I find when he’s around, I’m not relaxed and my walls are up. I feel if I let my wall down for a minute, he will hurt me again. Either with failing grades or with an (unintentional) insensitive comment. He doesn’t know he’s being insensitive, but he is. He’s a selfish teenager who believes 100% that the world revolves around him and it’s exhausting to be around him.

I love my husband so so  much. I never ever want him to ever read these words or even know that I’ve ever thought them. I am so thankful for this site. Thank you. 

P.S. My friend is having lapband surgery today...

My friend is having lapband surgery today.  I am really happy for her.  Really.  We were supposed to go through this together, but she couldn't get hers scheduled until a few months after mine.  I don't know if I would have had the guts to go through with mine if it hadn't been for her.    Now for the confession.  I'm worried she is going to be more successful than me.  Ugh!  Sounds terrible doesn't it.  I feel like such a schmuck.   We've joined Weight Watchers together in the past and she always lost more than me.  Even when I exercised and she didn't, she'd still lose more than me.  Intellectually I know that it's not my fault - or hers.  People have different metabolisms and it is what it is, but I've kind of enjoyed being on this journey without comparing myself.  Yea, sure, I do compare myself to all of you and most of you are kicking my butt, but it's just not the same as someone I see frequently.    Okay, now that's off my chest.  I feel a little better.

P.S. I Need A Do Over

I feel like every decision I’ve ever made is wrong.  I wish I could go back in time and start over.  Even today, with a husband and children most people would love to have… some days I wish I could just escape.  Leave work and just keep driving ‘til I hit the coast.  Become a waitress and get a little studio apartment near the beach and just BE.  I love my husband.  However, his parents are lunatics.  Full blown psychos.  People think I exaggerate when I talk about them but I’m not exaggerating.  They aren’t your typical annoying in-laws.  They have screwed up my husband so badly that I’m not sure he can ever be “fixed.”  He needs serious therapy but won’t go.  He’s depressed and has been for so long.  He suffers from a weight problem and the physical issues are starting to pile up.  I’m not sure that I’m IN love with him anymore.  It’s emotionally and physically exhausting trying to deal with someone who has depression and is taking no steps whatsoever to feel better.  I can’t make him feel better.  It’s something he has to do.  I have two children who I love more than life itself.  But there are days where I just don’t want to be a mom anymore.  I want to be single and free and out with friends dancing.  I married relatively young (not like teen bride or anything but clubbing age) and I feel like maybe it was just too soon.  I miss the man I was married to before we had the kids.  Since I had my youngest, I have no sex drive whatsoever.  I don’t want it…ever.  I partake in the festivities so that my man doesn’t feel too neglected but it isn’t nearly like it used to be and I know he feels neglected anyway.  I feel I’ve wasted my potential and my education.  I feel I could’ve done so much more with my life.  I feel it’s too late to do anything.  I’m married…with children…I drive a minivan and have a full time career.  THAT I HATE.  I initially looked at it as a job but the people I work with…they have degrees and years of experience with our company to get to this same position.  I feel guilty because while it’s a “career” to them; it’s just a job to me.  I feel like there should have been more out there for me.  That somehow along the way, I took the wrong path and got all lost and disoriented.  How does one find their way back from an abyss?  Then I think maybe it’s not my hubby…maybe it’s me.  I did this to him.  I convinced him to go to law school, I convinced him we were ready for our first baby…maybe I trapped him in this life and he just realized it was a trap before I did?  I just feel like I can’t be truly happy with anything anymore.  I have happy moments…but they’re superficial.  I smile and put on that happy face and say all the right things that I should say.  But deep down, I don’t think I mean most of it anymore.  And then the guilt starts.  I feel guilty that I have these feelings and these thoughts.  I SHOULD be happy.  I SHOULD feel blessed for all the good things in my life.  I SHOULD appreciate what I have.  Yet, I think of everything I could have been and weep for the person that never was and the life that was never lived.

Thank you for this.

P.S. I'm tired of my ex freaking me out

I'm tired of my ex freaking me out.

We've been divorced for years.  I'm remarried.  And every time he calls or emails me, I get all the signs of PTSD -- the shaking, the nausea, the flashbacks... I hate it.  Shoot, he doesn't even have to contact me personally.  Just one of his creditors calling gets it all going again.

His AmEx creditors called again tonight and tried to tell me I was tied to the debt.  I'm not.  Never have been.  He put me on the card as an authorized user without my permission.  I never activated the card.  I never used the card.  I still don't know why he felt it was so important that I be on the card.  In my darker moments I think it's because he couldn't stand for me to be debt free.  I have no credit cards of my own -- cash basis only here.

In moments of extreme clarity, I realize the thoughts I have about him in my darker moments are likely correct.

He's paid a whopping one month of child support.  And in this economy I've had to remove our kids from just about every extra-curricular they had.  He's only ordered to pay $400 a month for two children, and he refuses to pay even that.  I haven't pursued enforcement because he won't work, and claims the judgment AmEx has against him keeps him from being able to get a paycheck.

That plus I'm still scared of him.  And if I leave him alone, I keep hoping he'll just fade away.  Just go away, leave me alone.  Leave us alone.  He didn't care about us when we were married.  All he cared was that his comfort wasn't disturbed.

"Shhhh... Daddy's sleeping."

"Quiet, Daddy just got home from work."

"Let's go to your room -- Daddy's in a bad mood."

"No, he's not abusive, he's just tired/ stressed/ drunk..."

I finally woke up.  Finally got my kids out.  If it weren't for them I'd still be there.  Made, bed, lie... you know the drill.  But the kids didn't ask for this.  They didn't ask to be fathered by an abusive alcoholic.  They didn't ask to be brought into a marriage that should never have happened.

But they were, and for ten years I tried to make it right.

And I can't ever erase it.  Not even if it takes the rest of my life.