P.S. PSA - Can We Please Step Up Our (Commenting) Game?

I've been around the blog community for quite sometime in different aspects. And I must say - the "bandworld" is quite clicky. I blog, you blog, we all blog for support - rather it be via successes, failures, motivation, personal. I thought the concept was to provide support to everyone, not just the certain few who have been around the longest or who has lost the most weight. We are all on this journey together and everyone should feel included. I've noticed alot of people use their blog to gain support from us because situations don't allow support in their real-life. Perhaps we are all they have? Is it really hard to comment on someone's post? Even if a few words, it could give that person a boost to overcome a hurdle. It could give that person a sense of accomplishment for a loss; we all love celebration!

I've seen this complaint several times, even to the extent of taking time away their blog because they felt no support in this journey, due to lack of comments. It's unsettling that a place so many of us go for support, the support is a lack there of.  This is real life, not a popularity contest. We are all on the same journey. Can we step up our game?

P.S. Good Luck

I ran across a blogger last night calling the stalled out lapbanders failures.
That pissed me off in a big way.
WE ARE NOT FAILURES.
We've lost a BUNCH of weight.
We are maintaining. At the most we may gain a few lbs.
If we do gain we are able to lose the excess fairly easily.
But you know what?
There is a 98% chance that you will be a failure the second you go off of your crash diet.
You say you are hungry all the time and it's all good?
Golf Claps for you.
That's what you chose.
Not Me.
I chose a medical intervention.
As I would if I suffered from depression or diabetes.
It's a tool.
I know I have to do the right things to lose the weight.
It's STILL NOT EASY.
Just because I'm not losing doesn't mean I'm a failure.
I'm maintaining.
Two years ago I would have been GAINING.
Maintaining ANY weight loss is not FAILURE.
Remember that.
Your time will come.
You'll reach your goal at some point.
This lap band isn't our first go around with diets.
Do you think we haven't already been where you are right now?
We were.
We lost it.
And we gained it back.
I know you don't need it b/c you are God's Gift to dieters everywhere...but still,
Good Luck.

P.S. I Cried For My Ex-Husband

He's the father of my daughters.
We were married for 7 years. We've been divorced for 8.
Last Friday he told me he's having surgery so we were making arrangements as to visitation times.
I dug a little deeper and he admitted that he has a growth the size of a golf ball on his colon.
He's having part of the colon removed.
He had a biopsy 2 weeks ago but he didn't have the results yet.
They are removing it regardless because of it's size.
I didn't know I'd have such a strong reaction to news like this from him.
It took my breath away.
He was mentally and physically abusive towards me.
I wished him dead on more than one occasion.
Now I know that he is the father of my daughters. They need him.
I need him to be there for them.
Obviously the girls know nothing of this and I have to act like everything is OK.
I don't know how he is coping.
He lives for the girls.
Last night I had a nightmare about him dying and I've been anxious all day.
I can't talk to anyone...my husband said " GOOD " when I told him.
My sister said..."TOO BAD"
It's ripping my heart out.
My daughters have no idea how quickly their whole world can change.
I still rely on my dad. I'm middle aged.
To lose your dad as a pre-teen?
I can't imagine.

Thanks for letting me get this off of my chest.

P.S. I Miscarried

My excitement/nervousness about being pregnant is now sadness and grief.   I know in my head that there are reasons why it happened.  But reconciling that with my heart isn’t easy.  And I also know that all will be okay in the end.  Right now, all I want is to drown myself in comfort food and drink.  I wish that through all of this I wouldn’t revert to the old habits.  I’ll drown myself in my family’s arms instead.  Hopefully soon, I’ll be back in blogland.  Thank you for allowing me to share with you – such an amazing group...  This is a blessing as my family and closest friends don’t know (and maybe won’t)...  So I may reference the “PS” just a tad but I won’t be blogging about it.

P.S. I don’t want this anymore

We have been together for 4+ years now. When we first got together, you said you could never be what I wanted you to be and I should have listened. It was nice to have the companionship and the occasional intimacy but that was far and few between. You say you love me and I believe you do but it isn’t enough anymore.

• I want someone who is an emotional equal.
• I want someone is closer to me in age.
• I want someone who finds me attractive and at least makes an effort to have sexual relations more then just once a month. I am a vibrant sexual being.
• I want someone who can help with the bills (someone who has a job at least PT)
• I want someone who does not berate me and call me stupid
• I want someone who is not a drinker
• I want someone who can manage their finances
• I want someone who can take charge when I can’t
• I want someone who can control their emotions better.

I don’t think any of my wants are extreme. My dilemma is how to figure out how to get out of the current relationship. We live together and he really has no where else to go but that should not be my problem. I have moved out of places where I wasn’t wanted.  I wish I knew what to do but all I know is that I don’t want this anymore.

P.S. Because Of You....

Because of you Mom I felt bad about myself my entire childhood.  Did you really think telling a little girl that she was fat and no boy would ever like her if she didn't lose weight?  Because of you Mom I know how NOT to handle my money.  Because of you Mom I never feel like I can share the good things in my life with you because you always find fault with them.  Because of you Mom I know the kind of mother I want to be with my children one day.  Because of you Mom I have learned how to put my family and friends friends first.  Because of you Mom I laugh until my side hurts when we get together.  Because of you Mom I am a stronger person.

Because of you Dad I constantly feel like I am 14 years old.  Because of you Dad I feel like I am stupid sometimes.  Because of you Dad I know the kind of man that I really should be with and not just settle.  Because of you Dad I feel special to someone.  Because of you Dad I know that I am loved.

Because of you J I have built up walls around myself.  Because of you J I don't trust men right now in my life.  Because of you J I feel like I did something wrong to mess up what we had.  Because of you J I know that it was not my fault and that you are an asshole who will never change.  Because of you J I have found my backbone and am not going to take shit from anyone anymore.  Because of you J I have my life back.

Because of you M & J I know that "true friends" don't mean the same to everyone.  Because of you M & J I have put more effort into these friendships than both of you put together.  Because of you M & J I now know that it is ok to let you go and move on without you.  Because of you M & J I know that friendships can change and that's ok. 

Because of me I am moving forward with MY life.  Because of me I took control of my weight with my band.  Because of me I am getting my happy back.  

P.S. I Thought I Deserved It

When I was 16 and then again in my early 20s there were two occasions that I thought I got what I deserved and it wasn’t until much later that I learned I was raped. According to Webster’s Dictionary Rape is the act of forcing a person to engage in sexual activity and especially intercourse.

When I was 16 I was waiting for a bus and a man drove up to me in his car and asked me where I was going. I was alone and it was dusk so I told him I was going to see my boyfriend. He asked me if I wanted a ride and I took him up on it. He seemed nice and I thought I was safe. Well I wasn’t. He pulled over to an abandoned lot and proceeded to start yelling at me and calling me profane names and he made me perform oral copulation on him. After that he drove me to an unopened store parking lot and pushed me out of the car.

When I was 21, I was drinking with a friend and we met some guys who asked us back to their house. I ended up hanging out there for awhile but then it was getting late so I decided to leave. One of the men followed me out to my car and got in on the passenger side. I told him I was leaving and he said “No, you are going to perform oral copulation on me and then you can go” I begged and pleaded with him and he would not budge. He was a rather tall man and I had no chance of escaping him so I performed the heinous act and then he got out of my car so I could leave.

It wasn’t until I was in my 30s and talking to a friend and he pointed out that it was rape. All this time, I thought that I deserved it and it was my fault because I put myself in compromising situations and that I deserved it.

No one deserves to be forced to do something like that but somehow I thought I was.  I can honestly say I have now come to terms with it and I know now I didn’t but it took me a longggggg time to figure it out.

Thanks for reading!