Tuesday, November 2, 2010

P.S. I Thought I Deserved It

When I was 16 and then again in my early 20s there were two occasions that I thought I got what I deserved and it wasn’t until much later that I learned I was raped. According to Webster’s Dictionary Rape is the act of forcing a person to engage in sexual activity and especially intercourse.

When I was 16 I was waiting for a bus and a man drove up to me in his car and asked me where I was going. I was alone and it was dusk so I told him I was going to see my boyfriend. He asked me if I wanted a ride and I took him up on it. He seemed nice and I thought I was safe. Well I wasn’t. He pulled over to an abandoned lot and proceeded to start yelling at me and calling me profane names and he made me perform oral copulation on him. After that he drove me to an unopened store parking lot and pushed me out of the car.

When I was 21, I was drinking with a friend and we met some guys who asked us back to their house. I ended up hanging out there for awhile but then it was getting late so I decided to leave. One of the men followed me out to my car and got in on the passenger side. I told him I was leaving and he said “No, you are going to perform oral copulation on me and then you can go” I begged and pleaded with him and he would not budge. He was a rather tall man and I had no chance of escaping him so I performed the heinous act and then he got out of my car so I could leave.

It wasn’t until I was in my 30s and talking to a friend and he pointed out that it was rape. All this time, I thought that I deserved it and it was my fault because I put myself in compromising situations and that I deserved it.

No one deserves to be forced to do something like that but somehow I thought I was.  I can honestly say I have now come to terms with it and I know now I didn’t but it took me a longggggg time to figure it out.

Thanks for reading!


  1. I'm so sorry that happened to you and I'm glad you now know that you didn't deserve any of it.

  2. You are so right that no deserves to be forced into any sexual activity. I'm glad you have figured out it was not your fault and not deserved in any way. I hope your story helps another woman come to terms with an unacknowledged rape and know that she is not to blame.

  3. It's brave of you to share and hopefully it will help someone else.

  4. I'm so sorry you went through that, and NO, nobody deserves that. I'm glad you see now that you were just the victim...super unfortunate it was even more than once. :( *big hugs*