P.S. Oh, MOTHER!

After a few years at goal, I'm feeling good and am planning my wedding. I'm probably in the minority of brides-to-be in that I don't particularly want to lose weight before the wedding... notwithstanding that my mother and my future mother-in-law both commented that my hips look big in a photo from Christmas (which, incidentally, my fiance and I loved enough to have framed for them). WTF?! My thought is that, since they both separately commented on it, maybe my hips DO look bigger than they do in real life in that photo. Whatever. I seriously do not know why people say stuff like this --- especially since my mom surely must be aware that I had a very serious issue with my weight and body image and that I don't need to hear comments implying that I look fat (SINCE I AM NOT FAT), and my MIL is obese (and I would NEVER comment on her size or weight).

A similar incident happened when I went wedding dress shopping with my mom. My weight was up then, BY A MEASLEY THREE POUNDS, so I specifically told her: "Mom, I know that my weight is up a few pounds right now. I am on top of it. And, today, I am going to have to try on sample sized dresses that will be too small and may be unflattering. It is going to be hard for me to see myself like that, so PLEASE DON'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT MY WEIGHT."

So, what does she do?? We're in a store and she says something like "Wow -- I can see that your weight is up from where you were before. You should take care of that." I was like REALLY?!?! WTFFFFFFFFF?!?!!! And she said "Well, I just wonder, if someone would have told you when you were gaining the [big 230 lbs of] weight, if you would have stopped." Like somehow I didn't know I was getting fat as I put on 80 pounds. I was fat, not stupid or blind. I was like -- "I JUST FREAKING TOLD YOU that my weight is up THREE POUNDS [yes, it was only up THREE POUNDS and I get this sh*t] and I SPECIFICALLY ASKED YOU NOT TO SAY ANYTHING. I know about it and I'm on top of it, and I JUST TOLD YOU THIS!!!" I also said that "If four years ago, someone told you that I would look how I look today, you would have been on your knees thanking God!" So, of course, my mom starts crying and apologizes, which is somehow supposed to fix everything, including that she's totally f-ing crazy when it comes to weight and has been constantly on my a$ about my weight for my entire life.

You would think that me losing 80 pounds would be enough to get her to stop PICKING at me, wouldn't you? I mean, HOLY SH*T. Could she just be thankful that I look as good as I do, and am as healthy as I am?!? I work my A$ off at the gym, I watch what I eat, and I have never looked better in my life. Wouldn't you think that was enough? Because it sure the hell should be.

While things like that really p*ss me off, after coming through this whole process, I legitimately feel good just how I am. I like my body. It's not perfect, but it's as perfect as it's going to be and I'm OK with that. I NEVER thought I would get to feel like this -- happy with my weight -- but I've felt like this for so long now that it's become almost normal to me. Who knew that would happen? I definitely didn't expect it.

I also didn't think a time would come where an unflattering remark about my size or appearance would just p*ss me off at the person who said it, rather than make me feel unattractive and like a failure. POWER!!! (Er, and sorry for all the all caps.)

P.S. A Cowboy On The Side

I don't know if it will make me feel better to put this out there or not, I confided in a friend yesterday thinking it would help and I only feel worse, but here goes.

My husband and I have been married for a little over 6 years, for the most part we get along, we have awesome sex, but that's not the point.  My husband is a home body, and we have nothing much in common (except for our love of hiking and taking vacations).  He doesn't like any of the same music I do so we don't go to concerts together, I can't get him to slow dance with me in public, and he doesn't like going out with me and my friends.  I've dealt with it and tried to overlook it.

This past weekend I went to my hometown without my husband, he had to work.  We were celebrating my mom's birthday, it was a surprise party.  I met some of my mom's friends for the first time, one of them I felt an instant connection to, we slow danced together and laughed together but I didn't really mean to do anything but have a good time.  I've always been flirtatious, but have never taken it too far.  Well, after a long night of drinking, one thing led to another and I found myself making out with this guy, I caught myself trying to stop it and even reminded him that I was married, but we kept at it, until 4:00am, it was that kind of night.

Now, four day later, it's still fresh on my mind, the sad part is I don't feel guilty, I keep thinking about when I can see this guy again. 

I love my husband, I really do, but there are things he won't do and I'm a social person, it's starting to get to me.  I jokingly asked my husband if I could have a cowboy on the side so that I could have someone else do the things I want to do that he won't.

I didn't have sex with this guy, though I would have had he had a condom, but I'm glad I didn't; however, just our little make out session has  me near tears all week, I want to call him so bad but I know he probably looks at me as a conquest, the married woman who let her guard down.  I know I need to forget about him, I just don't know how to make my husband into the man that I made out with this weekend, or at least feel the way I did that night.

P.S. Cyber bullying is NOT Acceptable

I know there are many more important things in life to worry about but this has been bothering me for awhile so I wanted to get it off my chest.

There is a particular blogger that is in the WL forum that I think is a cyber bully.  According to the National Crime Prevention Council the definition of cyber bullying is "when the Internet, cell phones or other devices are used to send or post text or images intended to hurt or embarrass another person.

This particular blogger uses their blog to hurt and embarrass other bloggers within the WL forum. I have blogged for almost two years and this person IMHO has been the rudest, most abrasive, crass and condecending blogger I have ever encountered. Instead of utilizing their blog as a means of journaling, this person uses it as a platform to harrass and belittle other bloggers. It upsets me that this person seems to have no remorse or consideration of the impact they may have on other bloggers.  All weight loss bloggers have a common goal. To lose weight. What may work for one person may not work for another but saying that their way is the only way is ludicrous.

Meanwhile I can use my unfollow button.

P.S. PSA - Can We Please Step Up Our (Commenting) Game?

I've been around the blog community for quite sometime in different aspects. And I must say - the "bandworld" is quite clicky. I blog, you blog, we all blog for support - rather it be via successes, failures, motivation, personal. I thought the concept was to provide support to everyone, not just the certain few who have been around the longest or who has lost the most weight. We are all on this journey together and everyone should feel included. I've noticed alot of people use their blog to gain support from us because situations don't allow support in their real-life. Perhaps we are all they have? Is it really hard to comment on someone's post? Even if a few words, it could give that person a boost to overcome a hurdle. It could give that person a sense of accomplishment for a loss; we all love celebration!

I've seen this complaint several times, even to the extent of taking time away their blog because they felt no support in this journey, due to lack of comments. It's unsettling that a place so many of us go for support, the support is a lack there of.  This is real life, not a popularity contest. We are all on the same journey. Can we step up our game?

P.S. Good Luck

I ran across a blogger last night calling the stalled out lapbanders failures.
That pissed me off in a big way.
WE ARE NOT FAILURES.
We've lost a BUNCH of weight.
We are maintaining. At the most we may gain a few lbs.
If we do gain we are able to lose the excess fairly easily.
But you know what?
There is a 98% chance that you will be a failure the second you go off of your crash diet.
You say you are hungry all the time and it's all good?
Golf Claps for you.
That's what you chose.
Not Me.
I chose a medical intervention.
As I would if I suffered from depression or diabetes.
It's a tool.
I know I have to do the right things to lose the weight.
It's STILL NOT EASY.
Just because I'm not losing doesn't mean I'm a failure.
I'm maintaining.
Two years ago I would have been GAINING.
Maintaining ANY weight loss is not FAILURE.
Remember that.
Your time will come.
You'll reach your goal at some point.
This lap band isn't our first go around with diets.
Do you think we haven't already been where you are right now?
We were.
We lost it.
And we gained it back.
I know you don't need it b/c you are God's Gift to dieters everywhere...but still,
Good Luck.

P.S. I Cried For My Ex-Husband

He's the father of my daughters.
We were married for 7 years. We've been divorced for 8.
Last Friday he told me he's having surgery so we were making arrangements as to visitation times.
I dug a little deeper and he admitted that he has a growth the size of a golf ball on his colon.
He's having part of the colon removed.
He had a biopsy 2 weeks ago but he didn't have the results yet.
They are removing it regardless because of it's size.
I didn't know I'd have such a strong reaction to news like this from him.
It took my breath away.
He was mentally and physically abusive towards me.
I wished him dead on more than one occasion.
Now I know that he is the father of my daughters. They need him.
I need him to be there for them.
Obviously the girls know nothing of this and I have to act like everything is OK.
I don't know how he is coping.
He lives for the girls.
Last night I had a nightmare about him dying and I've been anxious all day.
I can't talk to anyone...my husband said " GOOD " when I told him.
My sister said..."TOO BAD"
It's ripping my heart out.
My daughters have no idea how quickly their whole world can change.
I still rely on my dad. I'm middle aged.
To lose your dad as a pre-teen?
I can't imagine.

Thanks for letting me get this off of my chest.

P.S. I Miscarried

My excitement/nervousness about being pregnant is now sadness and grief.   I know in my head that there are reasons why it happened.  But reconciling that with my heart isn’t easy.  And I also know that all will be okay in the end.  Right now, all I want is to drown myself in comfort food and drink.  I wish that through all of this I wouldn’t revert to the old habits.  I’ll drown myself in my family’s arms instead.  Hopefully soon, I’ll be back in blogland.  Thank you for allowing me to share with you – such an amazing group...  This is a blessing as my family and closest friends don’t know (and maybe won’t)...  So I may reference the “PS” just a tad but I won’t be blogging about it.