I feel like every decision I’ve ever made is wrong. I wish I could go back in time and start over. Even today, with a husband and children most people would love to have… some days I wish I could just escape. Leave work and just keep driving ‘til I hit the coast. Become a waitress and get a little studio apartment near the beach and just BE. I love my husband. However, his parents are lunatics. Full blown psychos. People think I exaggerate when I talk about them but I’m not exaggerating. They aren’t your typical annoying in-laws. They have screwed up my husband so badly that I’m not sure he can ever be “fixed.” He needs serious therapy but won’t go. He’s depressed and has been for so long. He suffers from a weight problem and the physical issues are starting to pile up. I’m not sure that I’m IN love with him anymore. It’s emotionally and physically exhausting trying to deal with someone who has depression and is taking no steps whatsoever to feel better. I can’t make him feel better. It’s something he has to do. I have two children who I love more than life itself. But there are days where I just don’t want to be a mom anymore. I want to be single and free and out with friends dancing. I married relatively young (not like teen bride or anything but clubbing age) and I feel like maybe it was just too soon. I miss the man I was married to before we had the kids. Since I had my youngest, I have no sex drive whatsoever. I don’t want it…ever. I partake in the festivities so that my man doesn’t feel too neglected but it isn’t nearly like it used to be and I know he feels neglected anyway. I feel I’ve wasted my potential and my education. I feel I could’ve done so much more with my life. I feel it’s too late to do anything. I’m married…with children…I drive a minivan and have a full time career. THAT I HATE. I initially looked at it as a job but the people I work with…they have degrees and years of experience with our company to get to this same position. I feel guilty because while it’s a “career” to them; it’s just a job to me. I feel like there should have been more out there for me. That somehow along the way, I took the wrong path and got all lost and disoriented. How does one find their way back from an abyss? Then I think maybe it’s not my hubby…maybe it’s me. I did this to him. I convinced him to go to law school, I convinced him we were ready for our first baby…maybe I trapped him in this life and he just realized it was a trap before I did? I just feel like I can’t be truly happy with anything anymore. I have happy moments…but they’re superficial. I smile and put on that happy face and say all the right things that I should say. But deep down, I don’t think I mean most of it anymore. And then the guilt starts. I feel guilty that I have these feelings and these thoughts. I SHOULD be happy. I SHOULD feel blessed for all the good things in my life. I SHOULD appreciate what I have. Yet, I think of everything I could have been and weep for the person that never was and the life that was never lived.
Thank you for this.