Tuesday, October 26, 2010

P.S. I'm Living a Double Life

I've been married a very long time by today's standards, over 20 years. For the last 10 of them I have been involved, in lust and very much in love with another man.

I can't imagine my life without him in it, he fills an emotional (and physical) void that has never been touched by anyone else. With him I am wild, exposed, NOTHING is held back. He has known me at my heaviest weight and its never been an issue until now. My "guess" is he has become threatened by my loss. Now, after all these years of stealing time for each other and knowing right where we stood I have been given an ultimatum by him. Its now or never.

I can't help but wonder if I hadn't had my WLS would we even be having this conversation?

Believe me, I'm not looking anywhere else. Period.  This is a horrible way to live. The guilt. The lying. The close calls. Did I mention the guilt?

A little background:

The first 10 years of my marriage I was abused. This is what I knew. This is what I grew up with. It is what I believed to be normal. But one day I was watching a talk show and a guest was on that could have been me. I realized that day that I was a victim. I vowed that day to never be in that position again. I finished my education I had given up while raising kids. I learned all I could about our financial state, what I was entitled to, and I started planning my escape.

This is when I met the other man. A big part of me wanted him to swoop in and just rescue me. Take me off into the sunset. Happily ever after. I was informed enough to know that I had to first save myself.

Just when I had all my ducks in a row tragic events took place that I can't really go into without exposing myself and I became a caretaker to a weakened, remorseful man. Wouldn't you know it. Funny how quickly a person can change when they need you. So I stayed because us victims can't pass up being needed.

Back to the task at hand. I am at the ledge. I am torn. I wish I had a crystal ball. I always thought if I was asked by him to go I wouldn't hesitate for a second. But now I can't help but second guess if my weight loss prompted this?

What to do?

10 comments:

  1. What a hard position for him to put you in.

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  2. I am glad you are sharing this on here. I know that it has been a struggle for you. I think, that deep down, you know what to do...its taking that first step...

    It gets easier after that.

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  3. I always say follow your heart. It knows how to lead if we listen.

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  4. I agree with the other posters, follow your heart. You know deep down what you need to do for you. If the only thing holding you back is wondering if the weight loss prompted this ultimatum? Does it really matter if it did? If it hadn't have been weight loss, it may have been another reason. Who is to say? Life is too short to always be looking behind us...look to the future. I wish you Peace and Love on your journey.

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  5. You need to follow your heart.

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  6. Always follow your heart and happiness will follow. Ultimatums are for the weak.

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  7. It is so difficult to give advice without knowing all the details, but if your husband abused you and you put that to the side to take care of him, it seems you've "served" your time and it is your turn to be happy.

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  8. You deserve to be happy. It sounds like you were planning on leaving 10 years ago and this new man makes you happy. Victims of domestic abuse are trained to doubt themselves, to not trust themselves or other people. Getting past that is part of the healing. The new, confident you deserves a new life. Like Bonnie said, you've served your time. Now it's really YOUR time!

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  9. If you stay - will you always "what if"? Will you always regret staying? It sounds like your heart already left...I think you know what you want...it's just hard to actually take the first step and admit it sometimes.

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  10. I say go. Staying with a man who abused you for 10 yrs does not make you a superwoman or anything. You had NO obligation to stay. Whether he could care for himself or not...he didn't deserve you to stay. SO I SAY LEAVE. Whether you end up alone or with the affair man, just leave. And with that guy, just ask him if the weight loss has influenced it. Just ask. Ten years with someone shoiuld give you the comfort and freedom to ask or talk about anything you desire. So just address that with him directly. But I say leave the useless marriage.

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