I've been married a very long time by today's standards, over 20 years. For the last 10 of them I have been involved, in lust and very much in love with another man.
I can't imagine my life without him in it, he fills an emotional (and physical) void that has never been touched by anyone else. With him I am wild, exposed, NOTHING is held back. He has known me at my heaviest weight and its never been an issue until now. My "guess" is he has become threatened by my loss. Now, after all these years of stealing time for each other and knowing right where we stood I have been given an ultimatum by him. Its now or never.
I can't help but wonder if I hadn't had my WLS would we even be having this conversation?
Believe me, I'm not looking anywhere else. Period. This is a horrible way to live. The guilt. The lying. The close calls. Did I mention the guilt?
A little background:
The first 10 years of my marriage I was abused. This is what I knew. This is what I grew up with. It is what I believed to be normal. But one day I was watching a talk show and a guest was on that could have been me. I realized that day that I was a victim. I vowed that day to never be in that position again. I finished my education I had given up while raising kids. I learned all I could about our financial state, what I was entitled to, and I started planning my escape.
This is when I met the other man. A big part of me wanted him to swoop in and just rescue me. Take me off into the sunset. Happily ever after. I was informed enough to know that I had to first save myself.
Just when I had all my ducks in a row tragic events took place that I can't really go into without exposing myself and I became a caretaker to a weakened, remorseful man. Wouldn't you know it. Funny how quickly a person can change when they need you. So I stayed because us victims can't pass up being needed.
Back to the task at hand. I am at the ledge. I am torn. I wish I had a crystal ball. I always thought if I was asked by him to go I wouldn't hesitate for a second. But now I can't help but second guess if my weight loss prompted this?
What to do?