Tuesday, October 26, 2010

P.S. If It's Not One Thing, It's YOUR MOTHER

My mother gets on my nerves, and under my skin... in fact, I go out of my way to avoid her.
Now that I am a grown adult with children of my own, I realize that she did/does not posses the qualities of motherhood that I wish she had.
In fact, I spent most of my childhood feeling like Cinderella.. always given crappy chores, and not allowed to just be a child.
I remember my mother having daily coffee clutches at our house (which was full of cigarette smoke and cackling housewifes all dressed up).
But when you are young, what do you know.. you only know what you are exposed to.
I am not going to make excuses, but she was married very young (19) and her mother (my grandmother) was married even younger (one of those gunshot weddings).  So nurturing was not abundant.  Neither one graduated high school.
The big difference between my mother and grandmother (who was in an abusive marriage) was that my mother married a wonderful man who was incredibly successful in his business and has provided a very good quality of life. We lived in a good neighborhood and I went to an excellent school system, and because of my peer group I went right to college (something my mother discouraged.. by advising me to just marry a successful man).. (ugh).  I was the only one of four to go on for a higher education.
So whats the beef you say.. well, NO MATTER what I did or do, no matter what my children (her grandchildren) achieve it is a CONSTANT comparison to my two youngest brothers who are failures.
They both have been arrested, served jail time, drug users, alcoholics, divorced several times over, one is a crack addict, and homeless.
One of the two robbed them blind while they were on vacation, they were in denial, but finally realized what was going on.
They have spent $10s of THOUSANDS of dollars on lawyers, rehab, paying their rent, food, child support, fines, car insurance.. on and on.
My husband and I have NEVER asked them for a cent nor would we ever even have the balls to do so if we were in that situation.
BUT every time I engage in a convesation with her.. it is constantly a discussion and update on how they are doing in rehab, or job search or whatever.,
My one derelict brother could only get a job working at a horse farm, cleaning stalls (read that shoveling horse shit).. well he got promoted to being allowed to do the daily horse grooming.. you would have thought he got promoted to president.. My mother was non stop about the praise.. reallly? really?  He is 30+ years old and this is his career highlight..
She NEVER  inquires about  how my kids are or what are they doing or how we are.
And anytime I mention something of interst she immediately compares or down plays..
We took them on vacation this year and you would have thought we were subjecting them to a punishment.
They didn't want to do a damn thing and complained about everything.. well never again.
I have felt guilt via my mothers comments for years.. I remember one time when I was a teenager and going through those awkward years that she said to me "well if you can't have anything attractive about yourself, at least take care of your teeth"
Or ..after a date, I once came in after midnight and she was waiting at the door and screamed at me.. "you tramp.. are you sleeping around".
Talk about hurtful comments...
She hated my husband when she met him and said he wasn't good enough for me and I could do better.
When it came time for my wedding she asked me to wait till it was convienent for their schedule (we should have elopped).
I always felt I needed to gain her approval or to please her.. but in fact.. I find her to be toxic. It stresses the F#ck out of me.
I have never said anything about these feelings to her, nor will I at this point.
But I do avoid her.. and just let her words filter through my brain..
As my parents advance in age.. I can just see that my father will probably pass first, and then my mother.. I know my brothers will be hanging around like vultures for their estate, and that makes me sick.. no one will want to care for my mother, except me.. ow
How selfish am I in my thinking... it's a vicious circle.. I resent her company, yet I feel so obligated to be there for her.
Sometimes I think about just packing up and moving to another part of the country.. so that our visits are even less frequent.
Its terrible thinking.. but its the way I feel..


  1. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. You'd be nuts NOT to feel the way you do.

  2. Omg, I feel like I could have written this post. You are not alone in your feelings.

  3. It's unfortunate....but your mother NEEDS to be needed (by your brothers) and you don't need her, you are more successful. Perhaps she is even a bit jealous of your life? You are not selfish, you are doing what you need to for your family. Don't feel guilty; unfortunately she probably won't change at her age.

  4. I agree with Blossom. Your family comes first. Hopefully when your mother needs you the most she will realize how she has treated you and affected your life.

  5. What a tough thing to deal with. It must be exhausting!
    I heard something once that really struck a chord with me: Some women are MOTHERS and some women are mothers.
    Sounds like you have a mother.
    I'm sure deep down (and it would KILL her to tell you) she loves, respects and admires you.
    Hugs to you!

  6. I totally could have written this post! My mother feels as if she needs to buy us. My brother is a worthless POS. You are completely right in feeling the way that you do. Don't feel guilty, things will not change at this point.

  7. I can't even imagine. Well, actually I can to an extent. I have a mother-in-law who at our first meeting didn't even acknowledge I was in the room and said "Oh, this is Jeff and Sarah all over again." I had no idea what she meant until later when I was alone with my husband (well, he was my boyfriend at the time) I asked him and he said that Jeff is her brother and everyone says my husband looks like him and Sarah is Jeff's EX-wife. So without saying one word to me she knew that Dave and I would be getting married, then divorced. What a biatch. I can't imagine living with someone like that and you should be so proud of yourself for being a better parent.

  8. I think your mom is a little jealous. I think she's jealous that you are a better mom than she was. Maybe she tries to make your brothers out to be big shots to try to tell herself and you that she wasn't a failure. I'm so sorry you have a mom like this...you truly deserve better!!

  9. NOT terrible. I get it. I am the one who needs my mother the least - and somehow that gets me less pride from her and less attention. I guess it's a backhanded compliment but it sucks. I think she loves you....just has no idea how to show it.