Wednesday, October 27, 2010

P.S. I'm tired of my ex freaking me out

I'm tired of my ex freaking me out.

We've been divorced for years.  I'm remarried.  And every time he calls or emails me, I get all the signs of PTSD -- the shaking, the nausea, the flashbacks... I hate it.  Shoot, he doesn't even have to contact me personally.  Just one of his creditors calling gets it all going again.

His AmEx creditors called again tonight and tried to tell me I was tied to the debt.  I'm not.  Never have been.  He put me on the card as an authorized user without my permission.  I never activated the card.  I never used the card.  I still don't know why he felt it was so important that I be on the card.  In my darker moments I think it's because he couldn't stand for me to be debt free.  I have no credit cards of my own -- cash basis only here.

In moments of extreme clarity, I realize the thoughts I have about him in my darker moments are likely correct.

He's paid a whopping one month of child support.  And in this economy I've had to remove our kids from just about every extra-curricular they had.  He's only ordered to pay $400 a month for two children, and he refuses to pay even that.  I haven't pursued enforcement because he won't work, and claims the judgment AmEx has against him keeps him from being able to get a paycheck.

That plus I'm still scared of him.  And if I leave him alone, I keep hoping he'll just fade away.  Just go away, leave me alone.  Leave us alone.  He didn't care about us when we were married.  All he cared was that his comfort wasn't disturbed.

"Shhhh... Daddy's sleeping."

"Quiet, Daddy just got home from work."

"Let's go to your room -- Daddy's in a bad mood."

"No, he's not abusive, he's just tired/ stressed/ drunk..."

I finally woke up.  Finally got my kids out.  If it weren't for them I'd still be there.  Made, bed, lie... you know the drill.  But the kids didn't ask for this.  They didn't ask to be fathered by an abusive alcoholic.  They didn't ask to be brought into a marriage that should never have happened.

But they were, and for ten years I tried to make it right.

And I can't ever erase it.  Not even if it takes the rest of my life.


  1. I am so sorry that this man still has the power to shake your world. He doesn't deserve that kind of power.

    You may not be able to change the past, but you should be so proud of yourself for choosing to get yourself and your children out of that situation. As Dr. Phil says, "When you know better, you do better." And clearly you are doing better, even if this creditor call has shaken you up.

    You said that you are still scared of him, and it sounds like you may have good reason to be. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. His past behavior makes your fear perfectly understandable. But when you get scared, remember the life you have now, the positive choices you've made and know that you are not his victim any more.

  2. You got out and it took a lot of strength and bravery to do that.