Tuesday, October 26, 2010

P.S. I Am Not Fine, I Hate My Life

I know that sounds harsh but right now it's how I feel. 

I HATE the person I have become.  I hate that I let it happen and don't have the willpower to change it.  I hate that I am cynical and not trusting and have built up this wall around myself.  I hate my ex husband for all the shit he has done to me.  He is a horrible person. I hate that I look down at my ring finger everyday and see the impression of my wedding rings I will never wear again.  I hate that I smile everyday and pretend that everything in my life is ok and I am fine but I AM NOT FINE.  I cry every night when I get into bed and pray that it will get better.  I feel like I don't know who I am anymore because I am too busy trying to please everyone in my life.  I hate that I feel like I am not a good daughter.  I am ashamed of not going to college right out of high school and I feel like a failure and that I am stupid.  I am mad at my mom for taking out all of her problems on me and making me feel like shit.  Is is so hard for you to ask me how I am feeling about my divorce mom?  Can you not just ask me that one freaking time when you call instead of telling me about your problems and how I somehow contributed to them?  I hate that I have NO ONE to talk to who will just sit there with their mouth shut and let me talk without giving me their opinion on how I could do it better or what to do instead of just listening and giving me a hug like I want.  I hate that I feel depressed all the time. 

11 comments:

  1. I'd give you a hug! I am not always good at shutting up. But I'd try. I am sorry you aren't happy and I truly hope things get better!

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  2. I am so sorry. Here is a cyber hug *squeeze*

    I'm glad that you found this place to let it out. And we will listen (read). You are worth it.

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  3. as corny as this is.... It is always Darkest before Dawn. Things can always get better, you just have to let go of the past, and look ahead towards your future! Make it one you want! :) I hope you feel better soon!

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  4. I have struggled with many of these same things. This article always helps me out:

    http://www.thedailymind.com/stress/5-small-but-big-ways-to-beat-depression-every-time/

    I hope that things turn around for you.

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  5. If you want...you can always talk to me. I will keep my mouth shut. Until you want me to speak. I promise.

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  6. I've been where you are. It will get better. It takes time. If you've been in a bad relationship for a long time, it will take time to start feeling like yourself again. But it will happen. Start making yourself first. Do the things you like to do. Be greedy. Be selfish. Do what you need to do to feel better.
    In the meantime, you can talk to me, I'll listen. Keep talking. We are all here to listen.

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  7. I am a good listener too if you need it. Divorce is a nasty beast. You need to step back and take this time for yourself. You can't please everyone else if you aren't pleased with yourself. The transition from couple to ex is a difficult one in determining ones roles with the other especially if there are children involved. It takes time. It will not happen overnight. Email me if you need to talk.

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  8. Well you can vent here. And we are all listening. Divorce sucks. sucks. sucks. big hugs

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  9. (((HUG))) And I am here for you too. I will just listen and I'll cry with you too. Divorce sucks big donkey dicks and when you don't have the support of your family it makes it all so much harder. Chin up sweetie...I promise things do get better.

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  10. I'm so sorry you're feeling this....and I'm sending strength vibes your way. Reaching out and asking for help is okay. You don't bear any fault...sometimes things just happen....you're going to be okay and some day you'll look back and realize you were stronger than you thought.

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